THE HONOURS LIST

Twice a year, at New Year and to celebrate her official birthday (which happens today), the Queen doles out honours to worthy Brits. Lots of them. This time the civil list ran to 45 pages, and the overseas and military one to a further 14, probably more than 1,000 people in all. The United Kingdom must be the most "honoured" population in the world, no other country has so many knights running around, or Grand Commanders of the Order of St. Michael and St. George (GCMG; God calls me God, in the jargon).

I have always hated the honours system. Since I am going to be the party pooper, I thought I would explain why.

1. The Queen doesn't really have anything to do with it. The whole thing is cooked up by a bureaucratic committee in Whitehall, which is bombarded with proposals, and which then sifts through them before making "recommendations" (i.e. orders) to the sovereign. The number of honours in the Queen's personal gift is very limited.

2. It is inconsistent. Why is Paul McCartney a knight, but not Ringo Starr? Or Mick Jagger, but not Keith Richard or Charlie Watts? Why did Clive Woodward, manager of the successful 2003 rugby world cup team, get a knighthood, but the captain Martin Johnson only a CBE and the rest of the team (i.e. the ones that actually did the job) mere OBE's? Why today has Janet Suzman, an Oscar-nominated actress, been made a Dame, whereas Colin Firth, an Oscar-winning actor, been made the lesser CBE? I could go on.

3. Many honours simply go with the job. CEO's of big companies get knighthoods, CEO's of very big companies (eg B.P.) get a peerage. The top three grades of civil servants and military folk nearly automatically get honours, as do top diplomats. Medical professors and loyal members of Parliament are often knighted, nurses and stroppy backbenchers get nothing. I could go on.

4. The most common honours are part of the Order of the British Empire. Hasn't anybody realised how anachronistic that sounds?

Aah, I hear you say, you're just upset at the system because you haven't got an honour. While the latter is true, it is also true that I would refuse one if offered. A (very) small minority of people do that, though you understandably don't hear much about them.

I know it is highly unlikely that I would be offered a gong, but just in case it happens. "Famous Blogger Refuses Knighthood"; you read it here first.

Walter Blotscher